When I Said Slow...

Here is an up to date pic of the girls. It was taken on Valentine's Day. Where did my babies go???

When I said I'd be getting back into blogging slowly, I bet you never guessed I'd be this slow, huh? I really do want to do better, because I have so many things to share. I have so many things I'd for which I 'd love to ask your advice!

J and I talked recently about what I'm going to do after the kids go to school. We still have another year and a half before Lilly starts and another three and a half years before the twins start. Despite it being a few years down the road, I've started thinking about what I might want to do with the rest of my life. Do I really want to teach middle school English again? I don't think I do. It's sad to go through all that schooling and then decide you don't think that's what you're meant to do. If I could just go in and teach my students and not have to worry about all the other crap that goes along with being a teacher, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love the kids, and I love the subject matter. However, being a teacher takes up a lot more of your life; it becomes part of your identity, and getting the summers off really doesn't make up for the school year in my opinion. So much is expected of teachers...so much that most people do not realize. Pay isn't everything, but the pay definitely isn't worth it. Plus, they urge you to get your Master's degree now...do I really want to go through that for that kind of job?? I have a lot of time to think about this, but I'd like to start preparing if I decide I need to go back to school. These are just thoughts...and then there's the possibility of another baby. This is something else we've talked about recently. Do I REALLY want another baby?? Do I really want to start over? I have some very controversial reasons for even considering another baby...reasons that I would probably be raked over the coals for if I shared. That may not stop me though...I may need your advice on that in the future as well.

Thank you to everyone that posted a comment with advice and/or support on my last post regarding my parents marriage ending after 31 years. My parents are getting a divorce, and it should be final sometime in March. My mom has no interest in trying to work anything out with my dad. She says she loves him, but she's not in love with him. I have always thought that was such a ridiculous reason for divorce. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in being "in love", and I definitely think you need to be "in love" with your spouse. However, I know that circumstances make relationships hard sometimes, and I know that sometimes people fall "out of love" when times get tough. I also know that people come out of these funks all the time, but it takes dedication and commitment. My mom seems content to just be alone right now. She is living in an apartment above her salon. She actually kind of has it made financially...something I was really worried about since hair stylists have very unreliable income. She pays $250 per month for her 2 bedroom apartment, and that includes her electricity, water, and cable. It's a very nice place too, so she really got very lucky. She doesn't have a land line other than her salon phone. Her only other bills are her car payment, cell phone, and internet. She will soon have to start paying for her own health insurance though, and that is kind of a scary thought in itself. She is home every time I call her, and I don't think she leaves very often since she just works downstairs. I'm not sure if this is the life she wanted when she left, but it's the life she's getting.

My dad is still fairly distraught over it all. It's been four months since she left, and he has come to terms with it I think, but he is far from over it. Thankfully, my brother returned from the Middle East a week or so ago, and he and his family are staying with my dad until they move to their permanent station in April. It is good for my dad to have the daily companionship. He actually leaves today for the state my brother and sister in law will be moving to in April. He and my brother are going to scout out housing options. This will be my dad's first time flying! He's 51! My mom never wanted to fly, and my dad always said he didn't want to as well, but I think that they were actually both just leaning on the other and would have flown if it hadn't been for them being together.

I am doing OK with it all. I still don't agree with the way it all went down, and I have learned a lot about relationships through dealing with the situation. I just have to focus on my parents separately right now. I am trying my best to maintain my relationship with both of them, talking about the other parent as little as possible, and just making sure that I keep them both involved in my kids' lives. That's all I know to do right now. They really make me tired.

Slowly

I think it will be a slow process for me to fully get back into blogging. I did it so regularly for so long that I thought I could easily just get right back into the habit of posting every few days. I think my blogging break was just too long though, so it will take some time for me to really be a regular. I apologize for that. Part of the issue is that everything I want to write about is so heavy. Once I get the heaviness out, I think I'll be better.

I realize after my whole dramatic exit from the old blog and my allusions to the fact that crazy things have been going on in my life that many of you would probably come up with some theories as to what is really happening with me. The good news is that everyone is currently healthy, at least in a physical sense, and fairly happy. For blogging purposes, I am going to refer to my husband from here on out as JD...JD and I are fine, in case you were wondering. We are as good as ever, thank God (for real). The girls, whose names here will be Lilly, Elsie, and Anna, are all wonderful, again THANK GOD! I am not pregnant...thank you, thank you, thank you....no more babies now (probably ever). My husband still has his job. We still have our home. Things sound great, right?

Well, you are right. Things in our household are great. I really cannot complain about my own life. However, sometimes the lives of people around you really do effect your life, and basically that's what's been going on with me lately. You may want to stop reading this right now...I think I may be bad luck.

Back around the beginning of October, my mom was cutting my oldest's hair and she said something to me that no child really ever wants to hear from a parent. I asked what my dad was doing at that moment, and she said she didn't know and that he was mad at her. Keep in mind that my parents have had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Him being mad at her or vice versa isn't really shocking. I guess I asked what the problem was, and she said, "He asked me why we don't have any intimacy in our relationship, and he didn't like my answer." Sheesh. Even at my age (30..cringe), I like to keep the topic of sex and my parents as far from my thoughts as possible. This isn't a topic my mom has really ever discussed with me, so aside from the grossness of the topic in general, it was really concerning that she would even reveal this to me. I immediately started getting this heavy dark cloud feeling I get sometimes when I have to deal with something I don't like. She went a little further to say that when you don't get along with someone for so long, it effects your relationship. Duh.

A couple of weeks passed...we had a baby shower for my sister in law, which meant she came into town to stay with my parents for the weekend (my brother/her husband was/is out of the country). After the baby shower, I had some downtime and went by my mom's new place of business, which my dad was working to get in shape for opening day. While there, I didn't mention the conversation I'd had with my mom earlier in the month, but I did tell him he needed to start treating her differently...romantically...and that I thought some things needed to improve in their relationship. He said he did think she'd been acting strangely (which she totally had been...another story, another day), and he really was at a loss for what to do. I hoped that he'd at least try something.

Fast forward another week or so...my very favorite friend invites me to come over to her house to have the kids play and invites our other good friend as well. Normally, this would be great, but she'd just had us over the previous week, and we don't normally do in-home playdates that close together...we usually go places outside the homes (parks, story time, etc.). I couldn't make it to her house that day, but I didn't think a whole lot of it. She calls me the next day to tell me she's moving and that she'd hoped to tell me in person at her house the day before. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I was just devastated. I was a weepy, sad mess. JD told me I was acting like someone had died. He just doesn't understand...men are different. I threw this friend's baby shower recently. Lilly is best friends with her daughter. She is a friend I can spend hours on the phone with and talk to every single day. We text throughout the day almost every day. You just don't find friends like that easily when you're an adult. JD tells me to relax...she's only moving a couple hours away. Yes, that is true, but these people are a part of my daily life, so my life will be changing, and I'm sad.

So, I was going through a mini-blue period over this situation with my friend...and then two days later I get a phone call from my dad at 8 PM. He calls and asks if I know where my mother is. I knew it was bad as soon as he asked me that question. He went on to tell me that she'd been gone for over two hours. He took the dog out to do her business for no more than ten minutes, and when he came back in the house, my mom was gone. I was floored. I told him I didn't know where she was but that I'd try to get in touch with her (he'd already tried, of course). I called her cell twice...no answer. So, I sent her a text, "Where are you? This really isn't cool." It sounds dumb now....I just didn't know what to say. I knew exactly what was happening, and I was so pissed I cannot relay it in words. She called me after that and said she was with a girlfiend (what girlfriend?!?...my mother has no girlfriends...or so I thought) and that she wasn't going back. So, basically, I got to drive to my dad's house and tell him that his wife of 31 years was never coming home. If you are a parent, keep in mind that that is not a position you ever need to you put your kids in...please.

So, my mom is 48 going on 17. Friendly suggestion...don't ever have a midlife crisis. This is really just the beginning of everything that has been going on with me...much of it surrounds this issue, but some of it is totally unrelated. I promise to still blog about the good things, but I really need to get all this crap OUT!

Have any of you been through this? Are your parents still married? Did any of you have parents that broke up when you were adults?

New Beginning

It feels really, really great to finally have a new place to post. The old blog has felt a little too public for me for quite some time. It wasn't long after I started it back in 2004 that a guy I went to college with found it. He was very nice, and we ended up hanging out with him and his wife, who also started reading my blog. It ended up that they were good friends with a girl I went to high school with, and I have since worked with and gone to church with former classmates of theirs. I believe that they have kept word of my blog to themselves, but I honestly never felt fully able to express myself there after that, and that was VERY early in my life as a blogger.

Here I am in a new place with a new name; it feels a little weird honestly. I was at the old place for over five years! I will not use my own personal name here or the real names of any of my family or friends, so if you are aware of the real names, please do not leave them in comments. I am very excited to finally have an outlet to express how I'm feeling about anything and everything. I really, really do not like when people complain constantly, but there have been some things going on in my life that simply warrant a little whine.

For those that have known me for a while, I have done a Christmas card swap for the past two years, and I've really enjoyed it. If we've swapped cards in the past and would like to do so this year, please let me know!!

Next post coming shortly!!