Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I think it will be a slow process for me to fully get back into blogging. I did it so regularly for so long that I thought I could easily just get right back into the habit of posting every few days. I think my blogging break was just too long though, so it will take some time for me to really be a regular. I apologize for that. Part of the issue is that everything I want to write about is so heavy. Once I get the heaviness out, I think I'll be better.

I realize after my whole dramatic exit from the old blog and my allusions to the fact that crazy things have been going on in my life that many of you would probably come up with some theories as to what is really happening with me. The good news is that everyone is currently healthy, at least in a physical sense, and fairly happy. For blogging purposes, I am going to refer to my husband from here on out as JD...JD and I are fine, in case you were wondering. We are as good as ever, thank God (for real). The girls, whose names here will be Lilly, Elsie, and Anna, are all wonderful, again THANK GOD! I am not pregnant...thank you, thank you, thank more babies now (probably ever). My husband still has his job. We still have our home. Things sound great, right?

Well, you are right. Things in our household are great. I really cannot complain about my own life. However, sometimes the lives of people around you really do effect your life, and basically that's what's been going on with me lately. You may want to stop reading this right now...I think I may be bad luck.

Back around the beginning of October, my mom was cutting my oldest's hair and she said something to me that no child really ever wants to hear from a parent. I asked what my dad was doing at that moment, and she said she didn't know and that he was mad at her. Keep in mind that my parents have had a lot of ups and downs over the years. Him being mad at her or vice versa isn't really shocking. I guess I asked what the problem was, and she said, "He asked me why we don't have any intimacy in our relationship, and he didn't like my answer." Sheesh. Even at my age (30..cringe), I like to keep the topic of sex and my parents as far from my thoughts as possible. This isn't a topic my mom has really ever discussed with me, so aside from the grossness of the topic in general, it was really concerning that she would even reveal this to me. I immediately started getting this heavy dark cloud feeling I get sometimes when I have to deal with something I don't like. She went a little further to say that when you don't get along with someone for so long, it effects your relationship. Duh.

A couple of weeks passed...we had a baby shower for my sister in law, which meant she came into town to stay with my parents for the weekend (my brother/her husband was/is out of the country). After the baby shower, I had some downtime and went by my mom's new place of business, which my dad was working to get in shape for opening day. While there, I didn't mention the conversation I'd had with my mom earlier in the month, but I did tell him he needed to start treating her differently...romantically...and that I thought some things needed to improve in their relationship. He said he did think she'd been acting strangely (which she totally had been...another story, another day), and he really was at a loss for what to do. I hoped that he'd at least try something.

Fast forward another week or very favorite friend invites me to come over to her house to have the kids play and invites our other good friend as well. Normally, this would be great, but she'd just had us over the previous week, and we don't normally do in-home playdates that close together...we usually go places outside the homes (parks, story time, etc.). I couldn't make it to her house that day, but I didn't think a whole lot of it. She calls me the next day to tell me she's moving and that she'd hoped to tell me in person at her house the day before. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I was just devastated. I was a weepy, sad mess. JD told me I was acting like someone had died. He just doesn't are different. I threw this friend's baby shower recently. Lilly is best friends with her daughter. She is a friend I can spend hours on the phone with and talk to every single day. We text throughout the day almost every day. You just don't find friends like that easily when you're an adult. JD tells me to relax...she's only moving a couple hours away. Yes, that is true, but these people are a part of my daily life, so my life will be changing, and I'm sad.

So, I was going through a mini-blue period over this situation with my friend...and then two days later I get a phone call from my dad at 8 PM. He calls and asks if I know where my mother is. I knew it was bad as soon as he asked me that question. He went on to tell me that she'd been gone for over two hours. He took the dog out to do her business for no more than ten minutes, and when he came back in the house, my mom was gone. I was floored. I told him I didn't know where she was but that I'd try to get in touch with her (he'd already tried, of course). I called her cell answer. So, I sent her a text, "Where are you? This really isn't cool." It sounds dumb now....I just didn't know what to say. I knew exactly what was happening, and I was so pissed I cannot relay it in words. She called me after that and said she was with a girlfiend (what girlfriend?!? mother has no girlfriends...or so I thought) and that she wasn't going back. So, basically, I got to drive to my dad's house and tell him that his wife of 31 years was never coming home. If you are a parent, keep in mind that that is not a position you ever need to you put your kids in...please.

So, my mom is 48 going on 17. Friendly suggestion...don't ever have a midlife crisis. This is really just the beginning of everything that has been going on with me...much of it surrounds this issue, but some of it is totally unrelated. I promise to still blog about the good things, but I really need to get all this crap OUT!

Have any of you been through this? Are your parents still married? Did any of you have parents that broke up when you were adults?


  1. Oh, wow! WOW! Lots of hugs to you, mama! I can only imagine! You're a great daughter.

  2. Good to hear from you - and you motivate me to blog again! Hang in there - your mom will probably make some decisions you are not happy about but all in all there is honestly nothing you can do but be there for her. My parents got divorced when I was 15, so I was def. more aware than if I was a younger child. But trust me, after a bad re-marriage, a evil stepmother, and a wonderful amazing girlfriend that my dad recently broke up with and it hurt us as bad as it did the both of them, I have seen it all. The good thing is that my dad always put us first and if your mom is doing that then you are good to go :)

  3. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. My parents have been divorced since I was two, but my mom is on her 4th marriage and my dad's 2nd marriage just ended. I have lived through all of my mom's divorces, and even though I have no memory of her divorce from my father, any divorce is tough.

    This past year, my dad's second wife of 21 years left him. He was devastated. I think the only thing you can do is to be as supportive of both your parents as you can. I have my dad over for dinner a few nights a month so he realizes that he still has a family who loves him (he has two daughters with his 2nd wife, but one is in college, and the other in HS, and she lives with her mother now). Maybe you can do this with both your parents.

    Ultimately, though, this is about them and their marriage. You can support them, but they are the ones who make the decisions that affect their lives (and yours).

  4. In the last 10 years:

    1. 2000 My mom flew overseas (to the US where I was at the time) to tell me that she was leaving my dad. That's okay, since they'd been on the rocks for awhile.

    2. 2002 My dad at 67 gets remarried for the third time. (my mom was wife no. 2)

    3. 2005 My brother and I decide to never speak to one another again (long story, his fault, I'm done trying to make amends).

    4. 2006 My eldest half sister leaves her amazing husband of 25 years, for a woman. A woman with a face like old leather, and from the wrong side of the tracks. (sorry if I sound like snob, but I'm trying to make you feel a bit better!)

    5. 2007 My eldest neice (daughter of the one left her husband) floors us all and converts to Islam and marries a Moroccan.

    6. 2007 after a holiday in Australia with my other half sister, she tells me how my parents really got together, and that our dad, had an affair with my mom (his secretary) when she was only 20 (he was married with three kids already) and had a baby boy (my brother that I no longer talk to) out of wedlock, and kept it a secret from his family (his parents etc) for nearly 4 years, before eventually fessing up (when he was caught out by his eldest son (my half brother) leaving my mom's apartment. Finally married my mom, and had me a year later.

    7. 2008 My dad gets diagnosed with cancer and we all think he's at deaths door, and he confesses all to us, so it was all true. He survives, and tries to convince us he was delirious and over medicated and none of it is true (yeah whatever dad).

    8. 2009 Well, I haven't even mentioned my own personal health issues over the last decade but I'm choosing not to dwell on the negative. Let's just say that 80lbs in 6 years isn't fun. I'm finally getting them to go, through a lot of exercise, all the boring food, and a lot of determination (and thyroid medication!).

    Here's to 2010!!

    (I swear I'm not making any of this up, soap writers would can this stuff thinking it's unrealistic and no body would fall for it, because it's not plausible.)

    So, let me at least say, "I hear ya!"

  5. My parents stayed together despite the ups and downs they had. They are gone from this earth now and I surely miss them something terrible. On the other hand, I am married for the second time. The first one was a disaster even though it produced my only child, a daughter that I prayed for and received. This marriage that I am in now is going on almost 20 years and we have had so much fun during those 20 years that I couldn't ask for anything better. My daughter has always supported my decision to leave her father when she was only seven.
    I have no sage advice to give you other than just hang in there and please, please support both your parents in this time of their need. They both need their children in these situations no matter what they tell you. That's about all I can say right now.

  6. My parents have been married for 29 years and the past few years they went through a really bad patch. they said they weren't separated but my dad spent the night at my Grandmas house every night for almost a year and a half. They were going through some bad finacial stuff including losing their house which probably stressed the situation out more. It was really hard on all of us kids, thankfully they finally got their acts together and worked things out and it seems to be going better now. I hope your mom comes around soon and they can work things out or that things work out for the best.

  7. My parents split up when I was 21, a month before I had Taylor. I think it was almost harder than had I been a child. Not on me, but on the family that was to be. My mother is very bitter, even 15 years on, and will not be in the same room with my dad. I have not spent a Christmas with him since 1994, he has not been able to come to any birthday parties or celebrations. I don't think this necessarily bothers him, but it sometimes bothers me. My children really don't know my dad that well, and he only lives 45 minutes away.

    I guess my hope for you and your girls is that your parents do not end their relationship with bitterness. I hope that you will be able to celebrate milestones as a family.

  8. Oh man, I am so sorry. That really sucks. I haven't gone through it with my parents, but my first year of marriage, my FIL started cheating on my MIL with her best friend that lived across the street. My in-laws had been married for 30 years at this point. Anyway, they ended up getting a divorce and my FIL is still with the best friend and my MIL basically went crazy. She is OBSESSED about it and gets mad at us every time we talk to/see my FIL. Really stressful, especially for my husband who feels trapped in the middle.

    It sounds like you are already in the middle of it and my best advice would be to try your best not to choose sides and/or get too involved. Easier said then done, I know. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and I hope your parents are able to work through this tough time or go their separate ways peacefully.

  9. Gosh it sounds like you've been going through a lot *hug*

    My parents are still together but they have had their moments... they love each other dearly but due to my dad being in a very stressful job and my mum being completely emotional sometimes due to her endo and then ME & menopause sometimes things got to a head (imagine being on "visual terms only" for a week or two and you get the picture!) Anyway, I remember sitting in the fish and chip shop with my dad when I was 18 and just about to go to uni. My mum had been so upset/angry with him because he had gone to a football match instead of taking her out for the day as he had originally promised she hadn't been speaking to him. He admitted to me there and then that he was angry too as he could have taken her out every day that week if only she had let him and that he was *this close* to leaving. He told me there had been many times through the years he had only stayed because of myself and my sister. I was shocked but understood and told him that we were both grown up now and although I would absolutely hate to see them break up, he didn't have to stay because of us any more. He did stay, they love each other so much and see past these faults in time and I am very glad for that as I couldn't bear it if they did split up, but just being told that is enough to shock someone so I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through with this... I am thinking of you lots and sending my love xx

  10. Sorry so much is going on, but I'm really glad to hear your husband and daughters are all doing well! I'm lucky, my parents are still married after 34 years and while I don't see them every day, as far as I can tell they're as happy as ever. I'm sorry for your dad, well both your parents really, and I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be.

  11. Wow, I can't even imagine going through that as an adult. I'm glad that you now have somewhere were you can write about these fealings because it always helps to get it out.

  12. My parents were married for 40 years. My mother has mental issues and the day that my dad (who has physical disabilities due to a massive stroke, which he suffered because he was an alcoholic....because my mother drove him to drink) left her....he woke to her beating on his head....while he was still in bed...sleeping. I grew up with verbal and physical abuse.... My father now lives with us (6 in < 2,000 sq a dog and a fish) and I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 1/2 years....she, quite frankly....loathes the ground I walk on.

    Nice huh?!

    It is good to get it all took me over a year to get over this life change. I still get depressed but I'm grateful for what I have and the love I have with my husband.

    "Life is a box of chocolates".

    *hugs* to you!! Glad you're back! Thanks for....well you know what....soooo cute!

  13. WOW, what a whirlwind you're going thru!! I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. I don't think it's ever easy for this to happen to your parents, no matter what age you are.

    My parents divorced when I was 4 so I don't really remember much of it. I guess the only advice I can think of to give you is to be there for BOTH your parents. They're both going to need your support as they sort thru everything & who knows, they may just work everything out & decide not to separate/divorce.

    I'll keep them (& you) in my prayers & pray that everything works out for the best.

  14. Oh boy...can I relate. Not that my parents are apart, but it is almost worse.

    About 5 years ago, my mom went through a huge change...lost brothers were all older and able to take care of themselves...and BAM..mid-life crisis. UGGG.

    My mom stopped going to church, and gave in to all my dad was and had been doing for know the ones whe tried to keep us from...but is now doing them smoking pot and drinking (which she never ever did ever, now it is a daily thing)...also spending way too much time with other couples (I mean way too much if you get my drift)

    It is hard to walk through when you parents were married for so long (28 years), I think their happiness is fake, and that is obviously why they are doing these othere things.

    HUGS...and is hard to see things like this happen with parents.

    I am so glad your family is doing well though!!

    Bloggin about this stuff helps! I had a private blog for a bit to do the same.

  15. sorry to hear about all this heartache you are dealing with right now. I don't like it's easy at ANY age to deal with your parent's marriage on the rocks.
    I'll be thinking of you and praying for you too.
    My parents are still together and I'm just so thankful because it's set a pretty good example for me when my own marriage gets rough.

  16. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!! My parents are in their 60s and have been married for 37 years and I think I would flip if they got divorced. I can only imagine how you feel! So very sorry.

    I wish you weren't in the middle of it. That is very rough. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best.

  17. Wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope blogging about it helps!

  18. I know that must be so difficult to go through. My parents divorced when I was three so I have no memories of them together or us together as a family. On one hand, I am glad about that because I think it would have been so much harder if we had built all those memories through the years but, on the other hand, there is definitely a part of me that is sad to have missed out on knowing what it feels like to have a mother and father under the same roof and make those memories.
    The longer I am married, the more I see how much work it is to keep a marriage alive. I look at couples who have been married 30-plus years and wonder how they did it...Daniel's parents have been together since they were in high school, just like us. Sometimes I wonder if they just stay together because they don't want to hassle with finding anyone else...they get along fine and everything but I alwsys wonder if they'd be happier finding someone else. I think I only think like that because I have seen 2nd (and 3rd) marriages work out so much better for a person...for my own parents. But, it is definitely not something I would wish on anyone; no one wants a broken home.
    Hoping things get better for you all.

  19. i couldn't begin to bore you with the details of my family life, so instead i'm just sending you loving vibes and wishes for healing all around.

  20. My parents divorced when I was 19, and I was devastated. It literally took me a couple of years to get over it (the raw pain of it - I don't think you ever really get over it...). Part of my issue though, was that I really didn't have any friends who had been through similar situations, so I kept everything bottled up and let it simmer for a long time. I finally exploded on both parents, and at that point we were able to forgive, accept what happened, and move on. Now things are great and I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and their spouses. I think the first step is getting it all off of your chest.

    So sorry you are stuck in the middle of this.

  21. I went through all of this when I was 15. Also with a mom who was divulging WAY more than I wanted to hear/know. ESP at 15.

    I have to much to say about everything you are going through. What I thought/felt then. Years after. A decade after. And now.

    Too much for a comment.

    Wish we lived closer and could chat about it all over coffee.

  22. Holy crap. Reading your post was upsetting...reading all the comments just added to that.

    I read once that adult child have a harder time dealing with their parents divorcing then children do. I believe it.

    My parents have been married for 37 years. And while all those years weren't so happy...I'm glad they stuck it out.

    Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Sending you love and good wishes.

  23. I'm really sorry for what you and your family are going through. :(

  24. I'm not sure how I missed this post before, but I only just read it. I have to say that it was an eye opener reading everyone's comments about their families because it really is true that everyone has their own problems. I've been having a rough time lately dealing with all sorts of things in my life, and while I do have real issues, they really aren't that bad compared to what a lot of other people are going through or have been through.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your parents & I do hope they can work things out. I agree with the other comments about it being harder as an adult. Edward's parents divorced when he was a teenager & I don't think he's ever really gotten over it. His mom remarried the most awful man in the entire world. I am not exaggerating here... I am a very, very nice person & even I have reached my limit on him & we will not be seeing her again with him there. That fact has made it even harder for Edward because he can't figure out why his mom would choose this awful man over his dad, who really is very nice. But there is more to marriage than mean & nice. For your sake, I do hope that your parents keep you out of the middle of things.

  25. Wow sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear this! That is really intense. It's been a while since you posted, so I hope things have worked themselves out. Big hugs to you.

  26. Wow. That's a lot to be dealing with right now. I'm so sorry! I won't pretend that I know what you're going through but I will tell you that I'm thinking and praying for you! It's hard enough dealing with your own family on a daily basis but to have to be worrying about your parents would be traumatizing. I hope everything gets sorted out and ends up good.
    It's nice to have you back. :)

  27. Wow, I missed this post too. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. *HUGS*